As I stood outside in the dark of the early morning, I contemplated going the few miles to my brothers house to get a key rather than wake my father. I contemplated sitting in my car until he got up which may mean waiting 45 min or more, but I had left the coffee pot on the stove. I was only wearing my shirt, tights and his rubber boots. I asked God why he would put me in this predicament, what on earth was the lesson here?!? I tried all the windows and doors - everything locked. I had this tingling flashback to a night in my youth, trying to sneak in my bedroom window so my parents wouldn't know I was out.
That is when it struck me. Many years beyond my youth and I am still afraid of my father. Afraid to get him out of bed when I made a very human mistake. I was feeling the same tension in my body, the same tension in my mind that I had experienced all those years ago when he would get angry with me.
Despite aging and the dynamic of our relationship changing, my reaction has not changed.
As I sat in my car contemplating whether to get my father out of bed at 7 am to let me in the house, or to wait in my car until he got up, I asked myself do I want to be afraid of my father? Is it still appropriate to be afraid of my father? The answer in this case was no. As my father let me in the house, he was smiling at my mistake and chided me in jest. I was still living with the dad of my youth, not the dad in the present moment. Without this inquiry, I may have missed the person my dad is, and only lived with his past.
What are the habits driving your experience?Just notice and choose rather than being run by habit.